The Grieving Process

by Annette Crighton

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Annette Crighton

The morning of the 2002 Family Camp, my daughter Sally-Ann died. It was unexpected. I was doing stuff for Cooinda, picking up cakes from Smarts Caf for the camp when I got the news about my daughter. She'd been going to come to the camp for the first time. She had an ADD boy and another little fellow and they were really looking forward to it. She'd been through hell with her defacto, suffered a lot of violence from him. He was away when she died. Anyway there were carers organized for her kids at the camp and she'd really been looking forward to it. But she never made it.

We took the decision to carry on and go to the camp because we wanted to do what was best for the kids. So we went and I've got to admit everybody there was really fabulous. They supported us and they all helped out so much with the boys. We got a little peace. A quite time to mourn our Sally-Ann. After that it was a hard road for those kids. This year again at the camp the people were really good and understanding. The kids have had it very hard since Sally-Ann's death. The youngest one, six years old, he was the one that found her dead. Imagine what that does to a kid. They're pretty wild kids, hard to control. Get suspended from school. After her death, when their Dad came back, I had to let them live with him. They'd lost their mother. I couldn't stop them from being with their Dad. I should never have done it. They'd already been traumatized by the way he'd treated their Mum. And he wasn't up for it for long. Now they're in foster homes. Well except for one who ran away back to his Dad. Nine years old and he doesn't go to school. I'll take them as soon as I've got some stable living environment for them to come to. Right now, I can't do it. There's a lot going on in this family. Sometimes people find a death in the family brings everyone closer together. But since my daughter's death, a lot of anger and conflict has come out in this family. I did the wrong thing to give my Sally-Ann's kids back to their father. But at the time, it seemed right and maybe better for them there than with me and the rest of the family.

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Josh as a baby

Thirteen years ago I got involved with Cooinda when my Josh was born. I was in the hospital with him and this lady come in, Terri Woodall with her little Down Syndrome daughter, Kate Woodall. Kate was about five. She's eighteen now. Anyway she was running all around the ward and I was wondering about if she'd be OK, but Terri said "She's fine, don't you worry about her." She said "I've come to give you some support". We talked. She said she was from Cooinda. She invited me to their meetings at the Woodstock Centre. And we did go along. Josh was such a happy well-adjusted little boy. He loved the playgroups.

When Josh was three and a half, we moved to Sydney, me, Andrew, Amy and Josh. We moved there to be with my defacto. I soon realized he had to be in control. He wouldn't let Josh sleep in the same room as me like he was used to and he used to get mad at Josh for the way he ate with his hands. Joshy was very upset to be separated from me and I think now that was the cause of a lot of the behaviour problems he soon got. And I later found out that my defacto was being violent with the kids. I didn't believe what they told me he was doing at first, because I'd never seen it and he'd always denied it when I asked him about it. But his idea of disciplining them was not on. I left him when I walked in on him trying to suffocate Josh with a pillow. That time was very bad for my kids. As for Josh, it's affected his whole life. He's been put on medication for ADHD from when he was very little, and it wasn't the right medication. Because he didn't really have ADHD, I reckon that medicine had the effect of speeding him up instead of quietening him down. I questioned it at the time, but they told me he needed it to settle. I think now it wasn't ADD that he had but it was more like it was a reaction to the trauma at being separated from sleeping with me.

Josh has been at Belvoir School for a year and a half. We've had our ups and downs there. He can't start until half past ten because he's got some behaviour problems that can cause trouble at school first thing in the day. But he has some good times there as well. He can be an excellent child in a safe environment. He likes things to be calm and have his own space. Amy, my twenty-one year old, she's been with him most of his life. She really stands up for him. She'd love to get out and make a life of her own, but she stays here with me and Josh to be a support for Josh. But it is hard for Josh here. We need to get our own place, somewhere where I can live a quieter life for Josh. He can't have his own space here. Since my daughter died, Josh and I can't sleep in our bedrooms. We just sleep in the lounge-room after the others have gone to bed. People think Josh doesn't understand about Sally-Ann, but he does. He has his good days and his bad days. Sometimes he comes with me to her grave and he puts flowers down for her. Other times he won't get out of the car. Sometimes he gets out and makes angry signs to her. He's not happy that she died and left us with all this heartache and trouble.

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Josh at the Cooinda Family camp 2003

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Contact: Cooinda Family Support Group